In December 2002 I met Paul for the first time. Admittedly, the image that had been described to me by Meena was flattering in an unflattering way - he seemed like the stuttering, bumbling sweetheart I normal fall for. We went for coffee and a movie to "get to know each other". It was never a romantic beginning. And, as he and I thought back, it was a whole lot less romantic than just "not romantic".The only reason Paul and I went out in the first place was because Meena was eager to push him off to someone else. Paul had a crush on Meena, and she couldn't be/wasn't interested. As it happens, Paul and I had already met, at a Mauro Peace Talk by the Prince of Jordan, but.... well, he didn't remember me. I failed to make a good, lasting first impression on him. And then we only went on that "getting to know you" date because Meena couldn't.

Most people know that Dana and I saw each other - it's not big news anymore. However, one night when talking on the phone, he said that he hadn't found me attractive. It was more a surprise than anything.

At a martini party Micah held, Katie and I were kissing. Someone told me afterwards that he was part of a conversation that ran along these lines:
Person 1: Katie really turns into a sex kitten when she is drunk!
Person 2: Well, so does Jane.
Person 1: *scoff* Yeah, but Katie is gorgeous!
Now, I know that Katie is one of the most attractive people I know - both physically, mentally and emotionally, and I wouldn't care if this information was relayed to me. This might sound like a dig at the people who said it, but it's not. It's that someone who I considered my friend would tell it to me. Someone who I considered my friend would take my emotions, and self-image so flagrantly and just let me know that other people find me unattractive - that is what stung.

In high school I liked/had crushes on about 5 guys. They all ended up dating my friends. Even though my friends knew that I liked those guys.

This post is for me. This post is for me to question who I am to people. I consider myself to have fairly high self-confidence and be self assured, but then I think back to all the above instances, and others, and wonder why? What do I have to offer that makes me think I'm a good friend, or a good catch. I feel weak writing about this, and putting my heart on my sleeve, but considering my ego has been beaten down I don't know what else there is to save. Maybe I'm too arrogant when it comes to me. I guess I've never been satisfied with me, and thinking back about all these things confirms that I'm substandard.

I don't want affirmation. I just want to mellow in self-pity, and be told the truth.

"The truth -is- out there" :P