Lately it seems like I've been writing for other people, and not myself. So this is a "me post", about self-exploration and that bullshit emotional mambo-jumbo.

When I was in my later years of high school I wasn't every happy. A lot of shit went down that didn't make life fantastic, and all those growing pains were certainly causing a fair amount of anguish. I always felt like I never had anyone to talk to, not because I had a lack of friends, but because I never really knew what to say, or how to express what I was feeling. (I'm not, of course, saying that -now- I know what the fuck I'm feeling, but I have a better grasp.) So, instead, I used to lie on my floor, pillow beneath my head, candle by my side, and music blaring through my headphones. I'd lie like that for hours, just staring at the ceiling and thinking. Often, whatever was inside me would come out, and I'd cry my heart out. My fears and hopes pouring out, but drowned out by the pounding bass and gutteral voice. I'd almost always listen to the Matthew Good Band. It seemed whatever they sung, about being the outsider, or (depending on my mood) the crowd follower, fit my mood. I left these sessions with a fantastic headache, and sore all over, but the physical pain was worth it to have a clean emotional slate. It was almost like sensory overload cleansed me. It was a weird feeling. But it worked, and is probably one of the few reasons I survived a lot of high school. I had a lot of secrets (and still do, actually) that I was scared to tell people, and when I first did, it took me for an emotional rollercoaster. It was a pretty fucking rough time.

Tonight I did that again. Interspersed with a few welcome phone calls, I was on my floor all night, listening to music so loudly that now I feel like I just had a sonic boom next to my head.

I'm worn, buggered, have a headache, but I'm still smiling. I felt like having a deep talk with someone, but couldn't find the effort, so instead my emotions had a screaming row with my playlist. It was pretty awesome. :)

This was one of the best nights I've spend with myself in a long time.

later days