I don't cry. Unless I stub my toe, or a car runs over my leg. But now I feel like I've produced enough water to keep New York City going for the weekend. I feel this extreme sense of loss. I feel like I'm floundering. I -hate- this feeling!!

D and I ended things. It was probably the right time, and all signs point to yes..... but I don't want them to. I feel like such an ass. I totally fucked up the whole relationship. The best way to be close to this person would have been to stay as friends, and gotten closer. But I fucked it up with my emotions. I wanted to be with him, and, against his better judgement, he conceeded. I had to practically beg him to stay, and for what? A month of happiness followed by a lifetime of awkwardness? The thing that makes me the sadest is that I've lost one of my best friends. And I've hurt someone I care about.

I'm very confused. So many times I've considered breaking things off with P so I can explore the D relationship, no strings. So many times I've had to bite my tongue because I was about to say "those three big words" because it felt so comfortable.

P is downstairs making me breakfast, and all I want to do is run out the door. I have no desire to face the world, let alone him. Until I can figure out how I feel, people asking me how I am really doesn't help.

I want what I can't have. And the worst part: I had it. I let it slip through my fingers, because it was easier than fighting.

Here I sit, alone and sad..... alone and beaten.